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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Inside the Inmates' LiveJournal:

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Monday, August 13th, 2007
Monday // August 13th
Math Valentine by Trey

Squares are red.
Triangles are blue.
The bottom of my heart,
Is shaped like a parabola.
But, O what things cause other problems.
Countless points measure to an infinity.
Circles of love, Circles of saints.
All joining hands, Thou knowest not.
Crossing paths all in lines,
People forget their inner thoughts.
Ere the fog clouds their minds,
Their encephalon thinks of tessellations.
Sunday, July 29th, 2007
Sunday // July 29th
I step outside, backpack heavily on my back, bulging with books, some 20 lbs
worth, and shuffle along. At least its not raining today. I don't mind the
rain, but lately it's been so muggy, the rain was no respite. Even the cargo
shorts and thin pale T-Shirt will not save me today. I know by the time I am
1/2 way to work, I will have sweat through my T to my backpack and have
sweat running down my back, ugh.

The gravel on the side of the road crunches distantly underfoot.

There are bad things that happen to people, things like car accidents, plane
crashes, kitchen accidents, etc. Like this street, now that my path has
ended, but there is a new one on the other side, and I need to cross
anyways, I will J-Walk now, and get to that path, after this white beat up
pick-up with the painter's logo passes on my side and the blue Ford Taurus
and new yellow VW Bug pass on the other side, I will go. Thee drivers here
are kinda crazy, they swerve around someone walking down the side of the
street, but should you try to cross, even a cross-walk they try to run you
down. I am glad my family doesn't cross around here, if they did one could
get hit. I know I could see some stupid lady with here cell over her
shoulder, arguing with someone, other hand brushing her mussed dyed blonde
hair with her other. Going nearly the speed limit, and swerving slightly,
she could just slightly go over to the path to the side of the road while my
older daughter is walking along holding my hand, her little soft hand
wrapped loosely around my pinky. Suddenly I feel her hand jump off my finger
as I hear a deafening crack. Something splatters my glasses, but my eyes
instinctively shut, so I don't see what it was. In this same brief
millisecond instant, i hear both a soft, muffled crunch of something glass
being broken and a kinda metallic thud, like thick sheet metal being banged
with a rubber mallet. Right after this, I hear the sound of car tires trying
in vain to grip the road in a stinky roar of burning rubber. Then as I open
my eyes, all I see is red. I run to the broken body on the floor, a tangled
mess of limbs, pretty pink clothes, blood and matted curly blonde hair. One
eye is 1/2 open, staring up at the sky, the other, appears missing. Now I
can't see. I am suddenly hot, like my shirt were heated by the sun and I had
run in the desert. I can't breathe. I turn to the car, the driver is staring
at me and my daughter with an opened mouth expression of bewilderment and
indignant horror. Like I did it. She looks at me like 'why would I walk with
my daughter in the street like that'. That is the last look I see on her
face. I suddenly run at her and punch her in the throat with all my might. I
feel something break behind my larger, scarred left knuckles, and a soft
squishy gurgle come from her throat. I am still not looking at her face, I
can't. If I do, I will only see my daughter's face, all deformed and broken.
As she slumps down on the ground, I wrench off the side-view mirror and
slowly, but with all my might, start to beat in her face, until I can look
at it again. Until I can see the pavement through it. Then I fall down and
cry, for my daughter, for this lady I don't even know, for me.
Saturday, July 21st, 2007
Saturday // July 21st
"Orianna Cassandra Dubois"
Just your average girl
just your average girl
just your average girl
except, ever since she could remember,
which could have been forever ago
she was haunted by strange thoughts
Alarming, random exceedingly by nature
At the age of five she wondered
five year old girls do much of that
whether her parents were as bad as teacher said, or teacher was as bad as mommy and daddy said, or maybe the problem was these thoughts in her head
that wouldn't go away
Normal boys & girls don't think this way
Matters of tigers
Snarling beast cats and incense
and older boys
playing hounds from Hell
Unicorn rabbits build her fairy tales
Rapunzal trapped in her tower mind with a bob
Alice come out of her wonderland, through the looking glass
Follow the white rabbit to the world
each introduction to the world
absorb another part of the world
now the world is part of her world
when she knows the ways of something
she knows everything
every single one of the intimate details, the little things and trifles
She always sees such trifles
She always remebers such trifles
An old, recently divorced man with salt and pepper hair was arguing about a confusing phone call from a black man he didn't recognize
And she took heed not to speak while her friend was studying, because her friend mentioned she did her best work in silence
She could relate for the condition is often her bane
Awareness of everything
cannot shut anything out
has tried so many times tried
but found she was only keeping herself in, keeping herself in, keeping herself in
Locked away in the tower again
She has lists and lists recording lists of lists she needs to list on sticky notes reminding her to buy more sticky notes
and her notebooks are full of sweet narcotic lyrics of a forgotten never written age of when sanity and poetry agreed
Things pile up pretty quickly, so she is constantly cleaning, cleaning constantly
cleaning, remodeling, renewing, renovating
Rebuilding and changing her mind.
-the graduate
Saturday // July 21st
Running away from everything they want me to be
Rebelling against all labels of conformity
Pledge alledgiance to my own authority, never be reborn
Maintain constant state of anarchy
But going against the grain never made reform

Living only for myself, kind of fun when I was twelve
Being held responsible for all my stupid actions
Slave to circumstance, trying every fashion
Wasting my life sleeping with pigs and then
Open my eyes to just a stranger in the mirror
Closing my mind for long, over-due repair

Manipulating people will not get you very far
Recognize my evil before it has a chance to start
Being honest with myself could never be a lie
If religion is an opiate, it's only in your mind

Wear my bleeding heart on a tattered sleeve
Willing to live, clutching the rosary beads
Never again deny all that I already believed to be true
Why question everything when all I need to know is You

Following Christ on the journey back to God
Believing in him to relearn how to love
Call it weak, call it lame, call it anything you want
This is me bowing on the alter, humbling my heart

I believe in God, Almighty, creator of the Earth
And through Him I finally see all that I am worth.
-the graduate
Saturday // July 21st
"Here's To Wishful Thinking"
He could be that boy, but she's not that girl.
& she knows it.
& she shows it in the way she carries herself.
Dark, distant, tormented.
Head held high, but screaming inside.
Kept up all by thoughts of a life with him.
Thoughts of being loved by him.
Thoughts thought upon too much unrequited make her happy & sad all at the same time.
& her friends always tell her he's not worth it.
& not to let him get to her.
& pass exchange of glances & whispers
of "the sad stalker chick"
& her little obsessions.
& others know it is best to be frightened
rather than amused.
& avoid all contact with her completely.
But she pays them little attention.
She knows they're just jealous.
She knows they understand who know him best.
She knows all they say about her isn't half as bad as she knows she is.
She shows it.
She shows it in her broken smile & exaggerated laugh.
She shows it in the hair & glasses she wears like a mask.
She shows it in the way she loves him.
How sad her eyes become when he is mentioned & you remember her love is unreturned.
& their future together is the brightest thing in her world.
 -the graduate
Saturday // July 21st
"There's No 'Fun' In Funeral"
I came back today
Nothing at all has changed,
except my best friend and I
don't speak anymore.
I lost you all over again
But this time it's permanent
Nothing is permanent
You said you would never leave
You said, "See you later."
I never said goodbye
I wish that I had said goodbye
Taking things for granted
That you would always be here
Tomorrow never came
We didn't say all we had to say
Dear God, give me one more day
To say what I never could before
And let me hear you say,
you knew all along.
Saturday // July 21st
Social Problems
"If I Were Unattractive, You Wouldn't Hear A Word I Say"
The plain and pretty people hold a monopoly on the world's attention because ugly people don't identify with those who look like them Thank you, television Nothing makes a woman more pleased than seeing a woman heavier than her but only the insecure don't understand why a guy would love a heavy girl instead of the prettiest Fat girls hate fat women who are brave enough to stand alone Fat guys won't date women larger than a size 10 because of those comic book heroes and the women drawn out of proportion by guys who could never get a glance from the head cheerleader & it comes as no surprise that all the girls who identify with Christina Aguilera & sing along with all the songs written by guys they look more like & think they can be a star because they're too shallow to be anything else & Everybody knows girls like her Everybody tells her she sounds like Amy Lee or Avril because they're too afraid to tell her the plain ugly truth -- So she has to hear it from Simon Cowell Far be it for a fat person to know their limits but let's be realistic Just because you can you should not do a nude scene Cellulite produces a gag reflex that ruins the romance for the obese audience because none of them are able to accept the fact that everybody has it because they can't accept themselves because nobody accepted them You won't be taken seriously until you drop all your defenses & let yourself be frightening and pathetic It takes courage to be foolish Put your true self on full display You won't get attention by acting just like them Nobody wants to see a fake but if you open yourself up & let all those bottled feelings out People will identify with your pain We're all built & grow a different way Beauty is a vain & doubtful, fleeting thing && even pretty people can show ugliness at times The soul is all that matters it's who you are inside & other tired worn out cliché lines that everybody says but nobody really lives because the truth is when it comes down to it if I were unattractive, you wouldn't really care.
-the graduate
Saturday // July 21st
Dark/Weird Poems
The rabbits attack,
My room becomes a huvvle;
Steal my sanity.
Feel the molecular stab of pain, we thrust
In wounded bliss and animal fury, in God we trust
Fuck retribution, infinity draws me in
Shuts its wings and brings me near

Shudder like a new spark
Born into an endless dream
Hitting bottom is not a weekend retreat
So like ice we blur and shift

Losing all hope is freedom
Twenty-one furious guns all screaming,
"Salute me!"
The Mona Lisa falls apart
Like a teenage whore's broken heart
for the sake of your post-modern art
of breaking down

A piercing voice splits the mist of pain
Fast-forward to the next page
Out on the front lines of the battlefield
I don't have a mind, I'm a human sheild

A spiral of snow awaits us
I've crossed the line from sane to not
This side is better, but better than what?

One lone soldier cannot fight this war
That is what we have armies for
I cannot fight this war
That is what we have armies for
"Like Unto A Leopard (Villanelle)"

Upon a throne of blood, my guardian resides
In desperate isolation, he tailors my disguise
I think I'm being bred to be the anti-christ

Like unto a leopard, the prophecy indites
The second coming usurps after the first has died
Upon a throne of blood, my guardian resides

With all outward appearances as of one beatified
Timid and helpless, and passionately untried
I think I'm being bred to be the anti-christ

Everybody wants to be different, to walk the thin lines
Between changing the world, and rearranging your mind
Upon a throne of blood, my guardian resides

Escape into the world, I am shaken by a heist
Of my ideals, and stolen from my kind
Upon a throne of blood, my guardian resides
I think I'm being bred to be the anti-christ
-The Graduate
Saturday // July 21st
Dealing With Divorce
"Sometimes Children Are The Only Good That Come From A Marriage"
He couldn't believe what he heard. "Your father and I are getting a divorce." Of course he couldn't say that he didn't see this coming. He'd not-so-secretly been wanting it and at the same time verbally fighting it for so long. But he never thought. He never thought he'd hear his mom speak the words out loud. Making it official. Though he knew how she had suffered. He needed no reminders. They were permanently pressed upon her face and hands. Were these what all those values were supposed to amount to? Doesn't anybody believe in true love anymore? He couldn't believe that she regretted the last 20 years of her life. Did she also regret the relationship that forced him to be born?
"Nobody Says I Love You"
Nobody says "I love you" anymore
And I can't recall where I heard it before
On TV movies the words escape reality
The only guy who ever said he loved me, tried to rape me

The words "I love you" are never said
To whoever, whenever they are most meant
Through various facial expressions and actions
Are revealed our innermost passions

Mothers often say the words
But sometimes what they feel is insecure
Fathers never seem to care
Even if the father's there

Sometimes the roles are reversed
Mothers never say the words, despite her
Fathers love their sons and daughters
Some poor kids aren't loved by either

Why don't you try saying what's on your mind
I'd be more inclined to give you the time
If you were open and honest about who you are
Let your mouth be the instrument to express your heart

Dearly beloved, here we have gathered
To witness the beginning of happily ever after
For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health
Hold onto eachother to gain Eternal wealth

To remain grateful and faithful
Until death do us part
May God bless us in the end
Because we don't know how to start

Why is it so hard, why are we playing coward
To say what's in our hearts
We say a million things to eachother and still remains
The same encircling thought that neither names

I don't understand why the words don't flow with ease
Maybe we've forgotten what "I love you" means.
"Give Me Pumpking Pie, Or Give Me Death!"
Thanksgiving memories
of a broken family
that gives no thanks to me
for all these vicarious activities
It's hopeless telling me to hope less
I'm not here

Kiss me kill me
baa Baa black sheep
Take me away
I leased my fate in darkness

Father walked away
He walked away,
and I died inside
It's hopeless telling me to hope less
I leash my fate in darkness
Can you save me from you?

Like a fickle phoenix
You rise to give me
another chance to break your heart
I don't need you
I don't need you
       -The Graduate
Thursday, July 19th, 2007
Thursday // July 19th
Cascading down,
around, and spin,
to win again;
I've found boxes
full of boxes
full of infinity.
A trinity
in symmetry?
An end of starts
may start an end.
An affinity for spirals, fires
trend, I spend my
time in space and
then, my space and time

-Kai'enne Tyrmerik
Saturday, July 14th, 2007
Saturday // July 14th
Saturday // July 14th
Saturday // July 14th
Squishy's Art Work
<a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g210/hyatt_hotel/layeroneransom.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a>
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007
Tuesday // July 3rd
never ceasing
always growing
never leaving
thorns of anger
always bleeding
always needing
never wanting
always having
suck me dry
til I am gone
take all I have
and you have won
to hate the world
and love it dear
with thorns of anger
you keep me here

- "Jaimie"
Wednesday, June 20th, 2007
Wednesday // June 20th
ripping and tearing away at the skin
not sure if anything deeper lies within
one more layer, im starting to bleed
still not fufilling my primal need
down two more layers
the hemmorage begins
not enough gauze
i may never mend
why all the searching
ive lost my soul
all the cutting and digging
and i'll still never know.

by: mentally challenged
Thursday, May 24th, 2007
Thursday // May 24th
Hello To One And All!

I have recently joined the moderators on this page be it long term or short I just wanted to get an announcement out:

We have only a few submissions so far and that is a shame.   :(

Everyone is welcome to contribute and remember, you have until August 12th, 2007 to submit your works for the book. Email your work to asylumbooksubmission@gmail.com

And with that I leave you all with a little something. Enjoy:  =^.^=
Tuesday, May 15th, 2007
Tuesday // May 15th
Tuesday // May 15th
comfort only comes from cutting
everything else fails
people let you down
things break and get stolen
there is no safe place
from the torment
taunting terror
that is me


when it all bleeds away
bleed it all out
there is no more anything

no noise from others
no stress
no threat

just the soft gentle pull
and the slight sting that reminds:




Monday, May 14th, 2007
Monday // May 14th

Hi, I am anneinside and I wanted to share my bipolar history with you.

I an 51 and have been diagnosed as bipolar, type II. I see my psychologist weekly and my psychiatrist monthly, usually. I was diagnosed when I was 45 but I've had symptoms of bipolar since my first depressive episode at the age of 9 and was put in therapy. The next time I can recall being depressed, I was in my early teens and attempted suicide by overdose. I took enough pills but threw up so the only effect of the pills was that I slept all weekend. No one noticed because I didn’t miss any school.

During a majority of my adulthood, I occassionally had short periods of depression and episodes of hypomania in which I obsessed about something until I mastered it. The turning point was in the fall of 1992 when I was 41. First, my huband left me for another woman. He said he wasn't coming home because he didn’t' like the carpeting in the bedroom. In a mixed episode, I took out all the carpeting, removed all the staples, filled the holes, sanded and varnished the floor while working fulltime and not eating at all. (I lost 20 pounds in 21 days) I was put in the hospital after I became suicidal and stayed there for a month. Two months later on December 30th, while my ex was driving, my only chilld, my sixteen year old daughter was killed. Depression dropped like a ten ton weight. Once I tried suicide by attempting to inject air into my veins. That is when I discovered that cutting myself and bleeding made me feel better. I became a self-injurer.

I continued to work until the following fall (I was a special education teacher). Then I finally fell apart and was put on disability for two years. During that time, I tried suicide by overdosing twice and was saved once because my mother called and the other time because after I was under the influnce, I called a hospital ER to see if I had taken enough pills (LOL). During a hypomanic episode, I once bought a new car because I had to have leather seats. At the end of the two years, I decided to go back to school and earn a doctorate. I was okay during the three years I worked on the doctorate except for short hypomanic episodes and occassional anxiety attacks.

I accepted my first job as a professor at a Florida college and had anxiety/depression "attacks" which were mixed episodes about every 3 to 4 months during the two years I taught there. I then moved to Minnesota and continued the same pattern for about three years when I finally fell into a black hole. I was hospitalized numerous times (12+) for suicidal depression during the next two years. Finally, my depression became immobilizing and my psychiatrist put me on leave for disability. I came back the next year half-time for fall semester and did okay. Then back to fulltime in the spring. About four weeks into the semester I was unable to get in front of a class, I couldn't remember what I was going to say about each powerpoint slide…I couldn't think, concentrate or smile…. I couldn't teach anymore. I was put back on leave of absence for a medical disability.

It's been two years since I was put on total disability. I have been put in the hospital once and a crisis center twice for active suicidal thoughts. I had ECT with maintenance ECT weekly for six months ending last October. In the last two or three years, I have been on lithium, wellbrutrin, effexor, prozac, tofranil, trazadone, cymbalta, lexapro, depakote, lamictal, seroquel, abilify, anafranil, zoloft, concerta, ambien, xanax, adivan, and probably more that I can't remember. Right now I am just coming out of a depressive episode which followed a hypomanic episode in which I spent over $700 in one week on doll making supplies (at least not as bad as when I spent $10,000 on siding I had to have for the house).

Right now, I live alone with two small dogs, a papillon and a yorkie. I volunteer twice a week at an organization that refurbishes computers for people with low income, on disability and the elderly. I meet a friend at a local diner for breakfast Monday through Saturday. I go to a bipolar support group twice a month and see my therapist every week. Other than that, I stay home and feel content with my life (when I'm not depressed). When I look at ads for special education professors, I become anxious and overwhelmed. I don't know if I can ever return to teaching but I haven't gotten rid of all my planning materials. For now, I am on SSD and have a quiet life.

Friday, May 11th, 2007
Friday // May 11th
First off I would like to start off with the simple basics. I was diagnosed with bi-polarism, schizophrenia, depression, and some psychotic personality disorder.

    My parents are "divorced" although I don't think its fair to say that cause they weren't ever married. I have two older half sisters, and we have never really gotten along.

    As a child I was made fun of for being fat, ugly, "un-cool",  and the list goes on. It was hard on me growing up without my mom around, because she was a drug addict. I remember to many times in which I was waiting at my window cause I could see the road, and I was crying. I would be crying because I would be waiting for my mom for hours and hours. Eventually my step dad would call and tell me my mom was having period cramps. Yeah, bull fucking shit. Now, at my age I understand it was because she was coming down off of something. I would be in Elementary school crying, and someone would come up and ask me why I was crying and it was always the same deal "Because my mommy isn't coming this weekend."

    My mom has always been a huge part of why I have so many problems. Well, I tend to blame her for it. I'm really into psychology and discovering the reasons why we are who we are.

    Well, anyways....So this all goes on throughout middle school. Some other crap happens. She disappears for a year or two, and misses a bunch of important birthdays she said she would be there for. Then I start high school, and it seems like everything changes.

    People actually start to find me attractive! I get a boyfriend, and more friends, and I am doing good in school. Yeah happiness doesn't last long for me.

    My boyfriend turns out to be a an asshole. At the age of 14.....Ok so at the age of 14 on a hot day we decide to go swimming. Well he suggests we get changed in the public bathroom together, which I have never been to comfortable with. Well, once I get naked he starts kissing me, and touching me. Well I start to back off, and say "Hey I am not ready". He starts acting like he doesn't love me, and backing away from me totally. So I of coarse being the love hungry teenager....say "ok fine". The whole time I cried and he didn't stop. So this continues on our whole relationship. I think I only enjoyed having sex with him once. He eventually starting getting pushy, and when we would fight he would push me around, and grab me by the wrists. He lied to me about liking my best friend our whole relationship, and about a BUNCH of other crap. He really kind of fucked with my emotionally. Eventually I fell for another guy and broke it off with him. He stalked me for quite a while, and threatened to kill me twice in which I had him sentenced to a year of anger management for.

    Eventually I started dating this one guy. Being with him was so strange. It was a very akward part in my life. He was insane. I won't even get into it. But he was a huge liar, and really insane.

    Before I carry on with this part of my story, I want to stop and talk about my family issues at the time. At this point I was living at my best friend Emma's house until I moved in with my mom in a whole new state. Well my mom was basically doped up on pain killers the whole time, and we left together back home. She was gonna live with me in my room at my dads, and I was gonna stay part time with Emma. Well my parents were fighting and doing weird crap. My dad by the way is a major pill popper, and was constantly doped up. Hence why I moved in with my mom to get away from all his crap. So eventually my mom got super drunk and told me all this crap like "You are the spawn of satan, you were a mistake, I wish I had never had you". I went and stayed with Emma lots more after that. But, eventually Emma failed me too. One day she just out of the blue decided to tell me "You're ruining my life". I didn't speak to her after that for about 9 months or so.

    Now that I have cleared THAT up, I can continue on with the rest of my story. So I would like to talk about why I am considered insane.
    I am vindictive, manipulative, selfish, and who knows what else. I seem to fail at every relationship I have ever been in. I find I am this way because I am so scared of someone leaving me that I destroy the relationship I am in. If you think about it...everyone who has ever said I love you to me....Has left me, or failed me. So I tend to do very underhanded things, and hurt and push the people who do actually love me away. I can't help I am this way. I try really hard to change this, but I can't. Oh, and I see things! All the time...Ill see random things that I know probably are not there.

    So where was I? Well I guess this is really a closing to my story. I could have gone way more into detail about every little fucked up flake of my life. Like I got raped by that psycho mentioned above. I eventually broke up with him... Blah blah blah...

I am now pretty happy. I got my shit together. But I still find myself doing the same old things, and being hurt by the same stupid crap.

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