goaskjennifer (goaskjennifer) wrote in inmatesminds,
goaskjennifer
goaskjennifer
inmatesminds

First off I would like to start off with the simple basics. I was diagnosed with bi-polarism, schizophrenia, depression, and some psychotic personality disorder.

    My parents are "divorced" although I don't think its fair to say that cause they weren't ever married. I have two older half sisters, and we have never really gotten along.

    As a child I was made fun of for being fat, ugly, "un-cool",  and the list goes on. It was hard on me growing up without my mom around, because she was a drug addict. I remember to many times in which I was waiting at my window cause I could see the road, and I was crying. I would be crying because I would be waiting for my mom for hours and hours. Eventually my step dad would call and tell me my mom was having period cramps. Yeah, bull fucking shit. Now, at my age I understand it was because she was coming down off of something. I would be in Elementary school crying, and someone would come up and ask me why I was crying and it was always the same deal "Because my mommy isn't coming this weekend."

    My mom has always been a huge part of why I have so many problems. Well, I tend to blame her for it. I'm really into psychology and discovering the reasons why we are who we are.

    Well, anyways....So this all goes on throughout middle school. Some other crap happens. She disappears for a year or two, and misses a bunch of important birthdays she said she would be there for. Then I start high school, and it seems like everything changes.

    People actually start to find me attractive! I get a boyfriend, and more friends, and I am doing good in school. Yeah happiness doesn't last long for me.

    My boyfriend turns out to be a an asshole. At the age of 14.....Ok so at the age of 14 on a hot day we decide to go swimming. Well he suggests we get changed in the public bathroom together, which I have never been to comfortable with. Well, once I get naked he starts kissing me, and touching me. Well I start to back off, and say "Hey I am not ready". He starts acting like he doesn't love me, and backing away from me totally. So I of coarse being the love hungry teenager....say "ok fine". The whole time I cried and he didn't stop. So this continues on our whole relationship. I think I only enjoyed having sex with him once. He eventually starting getting pushy, and when we would fight he would push me around, and grab me by the wrists. He lied to me about liking my best friend our whole relationship, and about a BUNCH of other crap. He really kind of fucked with my emotionally. Eventually I fell for another guy and broke it off with him. He stalked me for quite a while, and threatened to kill me twice in which I had him sentenced to a year of anger management for.

    Eventually I started dating this one guy. Being with him was so strange. It was a very akward part in my life. He was insane. I won't even get into it. But he was a huge liar, and really insane.

    Before I carry on with this part of my story, I want to stop and talk about my family issues at the time. At this point I was living at my best friend Emma's house until I moved in with my mom in a whole new state. Well my mom was basically doped up on pain killers the whole time, and we left together back home. She was gonna live with me in my room at my dads, and I was gonna stay part time with Emma. Well my parents were fighting and doing weird crap. My dad by the way is a major pill popper, and was constantly doped up. Hence why I moved in with my mom to get away from all his crap. So eventually my mom got super drunk and told me all this crap like "You are the spawn of satan, you were a mistake, I wish I had never had you". I went and stayed with Emma lots more after that. But, eventually Emma failed me too. One day she just out of the blue decided to tell me "You're ruining my life". I didn't speak to her after that for about 9 months or so.

    Now that I have cleared THAT up, I can continue on with the rest of my story. So I would like to talk about why I am considered insane.
   
    I am vindictive, manipulative, selfish, and who knows what else. I seem to fail at every relationship I have ever been in. I find I am this way because I am so scared of someone leaving me that I destroy the relationship I am in. If you think about it...everyone who has ever said I love you to me....Has left me, or failed me. So I tend to do very underhanded things, and hurt and push the people who do actually love me away. I can't help I am this way. I try really hard to change this, but I can't. Oh, and I see things! All the time...Ill see random things that I know probably are not there.

    So where was I? Well I guess this is really a closing to my story. I could have gone way more into detail about every little fucked up flake of my life. Like I got raped by that psycho mentioned above. I eventually broke up with him... Blah blah blah...

I am now pretty happy. I got my shit together. But I still find myself doing the same old things, and being hurt by the same stupid crap.


-Hope
   
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